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The Ashlee Malfunction

January 9 2005 02:14 AM ET (Permalink) (Comment)

Considering the game was several days ago, I know this has been done to death already. But I keep thinking about it (especially since people seem to still be talking about it).

Ashlee Simpson's people seem to think that she got booed at the Orange Bowl because of the SNL incident. It didn't have anything to do with her choice of neo-Lavigne "lets look all cool and punk an' stuff to make it appear like we're the real thing" wardrobe with requisite anarchy logo.

But, honestly, I think it goes way beyond that.

I blame the numb-nuts who booked her in the first place.

I mean, seriously? Who books a neo-pop-star for halftime of a college football game?

If this were the Super Bowl, it'd be an entirely different situation. Most people seem to accept that the Super Bowl halftime show is going to be some random no-talent performer singing some random song with some random people dancing around them. And it's going to be missed by 90% of the people watching the game, and easily half of the people actually at the stadium.

How many people watched the "wardrobe malfunction" when it happened?

(I still remember that the big deal with halftime at the 1989 Super Bowl wasn't the act performing: it was the 3-D Diet Coke commercial. I watched halftime that year - I only remember the commercial.)

I understand that with the BCS, we now have a "title" game worthy of national attention, but do we really need a special halftime extravaganza?

Every other bowl just gives the participating college bands a chance to perform, then brings out some travesty like the high school "massed band", where they basically cram as many high schoolers onto the field as humanly possible. Travesty, yes. Enjoyable, no. But it's a reasonable halftime act for a college bowl.

The usual college bowl halftime can occasionally bring out something unexpected. At the 1995 Peach Bowl, the University of Virginia sent their pep band rather than the usual marching band. Among the group were several, um, "balloonists" and a cello. It was hands-down the most entertaining college halftime show I've ever seen, even if the crowd wasn't so enthused.

I go specific with the "college" category of "most entertaining", as it would be hard to cap the massed Jazzercise dance extravaganza that the Atlanta Falcons hoisted on us some years ago. Imagine a football field full of housewives wearing spandex. Giggli... I mean, "dancing". *shudder*

Dammit, give me Frisbee Dogs any day. Best halftime show evar.

Okay, back on point. Part of the reason that you don't see the other "winners" of the pop-star category getting booed on national television is because they only play in front of their audiences. It's kind of like a Bush stump speech - they go to extravagant lengths to make sure that no "dissenters" are at the event.

Think to yourself the kind of person that goes to a college football game. Lemme guess - you're not thinking of pre-teen and teenage girls, right?

Had Britney Spears "played" the halftime of the Orange Bowl, she'da gotten booed. Christina, yep. Justin, yep. Lindsay, yep. It doesn't matter that it's the "National Championship" game - people don't go to it just because it's an "event" like they do the Super Bowl. (That may happen someday, but I don't think we're there yet. The BCS is just too screwed up.)

Ashlee needs to stick to the KIIS / Z100 circuit where she can perform, get her thirty seconds on Entertainment Tonight, and start the slow crawl back to her fanbase. They're already on their way to returning: you can already guarantee that the next season of her MTV show will feature her crying about getting mistreated by the media and the general population on a weekly basis, and that kind of melodrama is pure crack cocaine for the pre-teen set.

But WTF was with the anarchy logo? I'm easily fifteen-thousand times more the "anarchist" than Ashlee, and I wouldn't be caught dead wearing the badge.

Anybody else think somebody showed Joe Simpson a copy of the video for "Smells Like Teen Spirit"?

Hmm. Maybe that's just me.

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