By the time you read this, there's a good chance you'll already know whether or not baseball went on strike.

I'd assume most of you don't care. I can't say that I care all that much, either. I think I've enjoyed it more in recent years, particularly since my local team (aka The Braves) went from being the worst team ever to being a year- in year-out contender.

But that's a topic for another day. I'll leave it with the statement that I go to two or three games every year, but I've only been to one postseason game (a World Series game in 1996). Postseason games are fun to watch, but seemed a lot more entertaining when I was in school. So I can take it or leave it.

Unless you're totally absorbed in American Idol (OH MAH GAHD... can you believe they voted out Tamara?), you've heard much ado about the players and owners meeting to iron out their differences. Negotiations have been going on for days. My real curiosity is this:

"What the hell are they doing in there?"

I ask that question not as "how is it taking this long?" kind of question, but more that I can't imagine how people can "negotiate" for days on end.

Admittedly, I've been fortunate enough not to have had to serve jury duty, so I don't know what it's like in a jury room during deliberations. Having seen movies and tv shows, I assume the process of negotiations is simply the effort of wearing down one side or the other.

Why does it take so much effort? Why can't negotiations be like the Clock Game on the Price Is Right?

"$145,425,000" "Higher"

"$145,450,000" "Higher"

"$145,475,000" "Lower"

"$145,460,000" "Higher"

"$145,470,000" "Higher"

"$145,471... 2... 3... 4..."

Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing!!

They could solve this thing in thirty seconds flat. But knowing these pinheads, they'd probably get the foghorn before hitting the number.

So back to my original question:

"What the hell are they doing in there?"

Is it like one big neverending Pokemon trading convention? "I'll give you two Meowths and three Mewtwos for your Pikachu and Squirtle." "No way dude! You'll have to split with your coveted Charizard for that!" "What, are you kidding? Charizard is worth two Squirtles and a Blastiose." "Are you nuts... ?"

(Disclaimer - actual names and values of Pokemon are subject to reality. I wouldn't know a Squirtle from a Jigglybutt. Seriously. And, no, that's not a Charizard on my desk. And I ain't trading him, so don't ask.)

Once again, my original question:

"What the hell are they doing in there?"

A bunch of guys are getting together and spending days and days in a hotel. A really nice hotel. Okay, not going there.

Once again, my original question:

"What the hell are they doing in there?"

Clearly, both sides have stated what they each want. And failure means that they couldn't meet in the middle.

So, what, they spent days and days trying to wear each other down? Does anybody else see that as being completely and totally pointless? Seriously - with this much money at stake, and this many egos involved, it'd take more chisels and dynamite than they used on Mount Rushmore.

They need some kind of competition to determine this. Like Revenge of the Nerds. Can life get any more fair than having athletic competitions, a charity drive, and a skit-off determine who's in charge of next year's interfraternity council? I submit that it cannot.

Physical competitions would favor the players, and mental competitions would favor... well... neither. (It would just be embarrassing.)

I vote for a cook-off. Like Iron Chef. Put George Steinbrenner up to his armpits in meatballs. Let Chipper decide which casaba melon has the best flavor. And the best part: run it on Pay-Per-View, and it pays for itself! The PPV take alone might save the Minnesota Twins.

And let the people most affected by this mess be the judges - the ticket- takers, the concession workers, the clean-up crews, etc. Clearly, they'd be most impartial, since it doesn't matter to them who wins so long as someone does. You know, so they can continue to be able to pay for their homes and feed their families and stuff.

So, what the hell are they doing in there?

I bet they're just sitting around playing Yahtzee.