Well, I've been officially downgraded by Google.

Until a couple of months ago, under a search for "Chris Blackburn" (with quotes), this site would come up on page one. Now, it doesn't appear until page 18.

Not so much that it bothers me, as I think page 18 is probably more representative of how many people actually read this site, and how relevant I am in the world of "Chris Blackburn". Okay, that's not me being self-effacing - the truth is that I'm generally not the "Chris Blackburn" that most people would be hunting for were they looking for "Chris Blackburn".

But there was something kinda nice about being Page One material.

Okay, tangent. The past couple of weeks have just been weird.

Last week, my competitive league Ultimate team played our last games of the season. More or less, the playoffs.

I found out that night that my captaining skills aren't all bad - at least, off the field. I insisted to my team that they arrive as close to 7:00pm as possible, since the first round started at 7:15pm. (Generally speaking, our regular 7:30pm games started around 8:00pm, so I knew the chance of starting on time was slim.) At 7:15pm, my team had nine of our players. The other team had two. Twenty-five minutes later the game started. Since the other team was so late, we assessed points (on agreement with the other team) and started the game up 3-0. We won the game 9-7.

Note that the final score means that they actually beat us 7-6. We won because my team was there on time.

Our second game was slightly anti-climactic. We played the top team in the league, and they spanked us pretty hard. We were supposed to have a third game, but the other team bailed because they were short-handed. (It was Cinco de Mayo, and they were out drinking.) But, in the end, we all seemed really positive about the night and our season.

I was particularly pleased with our finish (at .500) granted that when I was asked to captain the team, I expected us to get trounced every week. We were the next-to-last team formed for the league, and most of the ranked players were already on other teams. But we ended up with a really solid (and extremely fun) team. And knowing that we weren't laden with dominantly "awesome" players made us consistent underdogs, and helped us savor every win we earned. Just a lot of fun.

The following Saturday was our Spring League end-of-season tournament. My Spring League team was loaded with talent, but, in comparison with other teams, our team was "older". (I was the youngest guy on the team, and I'm almost thirty.) We were certainly favored on paper to do well, but we figured we'd lose in the semis at best.

We did reach the semis, and ended up playing the team that consistently makes (and usually wins) the end-of-season tournaments in non-summer seasons. (Their captain drafts high-quality players that typically aren't available to play during the regular season, so they're seriously stacked at the tournaments.)

I don't think I've ever played a game that was managed so "intelligently". One of our guys has been playing Ultimate for easily twenty years, and made quick adjustments on the field that put us in a position to score. During one play, he realized that one of our women was being defended by a slower player, so he told the two guys on our team that were closer to the end-zone to move upfield away from the end-zone. It wasn't obvious at first what he was doing, but right then, our woman took off downfield, a deep throw went up, and it was an easy score. We went up by a couple of points and never looked back.

The final was really close. They went up 7-6 at half, and those noises of frustration started creeping in. Somehow, though, we kept working and working, and won the game 13-11.

Seriously - I've been playing in this league for nine years, and I have never won anything. I played in the finals at last fall's end-of-season, but lost that game (to the aforementioned team that usually wins the finals). I played in a Goaltimate EOS final last Spring, but lost that one, too. But that's it - I've usually ended up in C or D bracket finals at best. So it was such a great feeling.

The weird part was how I felt later on. I was certainly psyched to win it all, but something seemed wrong about it. On my Spring League team, we had so many quality throwers that I didn't have to play that role. And, strangely, I had a difficult time figuring out what my role was supposed to be. In our semis, our captain consistently asked me to stay in the game when it was my turn to sit out a point. In my mind, that told me I was playing well. But in the finals, I kept feeling like I was screwing up, even if it wasn't really the case.

In one point in particular during the final (the last point, I think), one of our main throwers yelled at me to "get out of the play". Normally, that would just mean standing in the middle of the field so that the sides of the field would be open for throws. But he and I knew that my defender would leave me alone and try to gum up the open areas if I just stood there. I knew I had to go somewhere, so I ran away from the disc. Almost immediately, the same main thrower made a cut through the area where I was running and yelled at me for obstructing the play. Fortunately, the throws went up the other side of the field, and we scored.

But it left a weird taste in my mouth. Seriously - I've never run away from a play in my life. In fact, in Ultimate, you pretty much have to commit on your own to getting involved in the play or you'll never be thrown the disc. You absolutely cannot just stand there and expect the play to come to you.

And that's where it got weird. Later that night, I honestly felt like my competitive league team's .500 finish was more rewarding than my Spring League team's tournament win. I felt like our Spring League finished happened in spite of me rather than because of anything I did, though I know that wasn't the case.

I'm wondering if it was just my usual mood swings. I was certainly feeling more upbeat earlier in the week and more down on the weekend, which might explain it.

I seem to be down in mid-May. I didn't notice the pattern until this year, which I think marks the third notable year in a row. Mainly, it's the noticeable timing of registering for Summer League.

In my Ultimate league, the summer season is the one taken the most seriously. It's certainly the largest, and arguably the most competitive.

Two years ago around this time, I was unceremoniously dumped by the team I'd played with the year before. It was literally the most fun group of people I'd ever played with, mainly because we had such a great time after the games. I won't go into the whole story, granted that it's ancient history among the participants, but I was really seriously down, and thought about not playing.

The trick with Summer League is that if you're not on a pre-arranged team, you end up in the draft. And, if you're decently ranked, it pretty much means you're going to end up on a lower-ranked team. You'll probably have "fun", but the fun will eventually wash away as you lose more and more games.

My problem is that I literally have never played on a competitive Summer League team. Nine years. Most times, I ended up on teams that were stocked with fun people, but we ended up losing. The one team I mentioned was the closest I've ever been to competitive. We won a lot of games in the first half of the season, then it fell apart.

I certainly enjoy the fun teams, but, particularly after playing on successful teams in the fall and spring, I would really like to play on a competitive team. Not too long ago, I felt like my greater involvement in the league would help make that happen. But, with a week of registering to go, I haven't been asked by anybody to be on their team.

I know there are teams that would have me if I asked. And I'm seriously considering asking. But they're "fun" teams, and I know that it would probably end up like previous seasons. Last year was the worst. We had such an amazingly fun team, and I absolutely loved the people on the team, but the consistent losing at the end of the season turned us all against each other. The last few games were so demoralizing. I couldn't say I was upset at leaving for Montreal and missing the final tournament.

So, now that I'm in a "down" mood, the whole picture gets skewed. My brain sees this as "I'm not on a team, nobody wants me on a team, being on a draft team means no fun, blah", even though I know that's not the true picture. Honestly, on Monday night, I was seriously considering not signing up for Summer League. And, in this league, that's practically unheard of. I still haven't signed up, and it's still a possibility (though more remote) that I won't.

I don't know. I'm figuring it'll all work out by next week. But it's still frustrating.

To end on a lighter note, a random anecdote.

There's a girl who I've played with/against in the league for the last couple of years. Early on, I noted that, in some way, she reminded me of my mother. Somewhat in stature, somewhat in attitude, I suppose.

This week, I found out she has a twin sister. My mom has a twin sister.

Okay, I know that wasn't what I was seeing in terms of the similarity. But the coincidence was just hilarious.